Because the characters on the small screen unfortunately do not exist (Ben Wyatt onParks and Rec, why aren’t you real?!), we imagined what it would be like if you ended up at the houses of your favorite TV folks while out hunting for candy. From New Girl to Game of Thrones, this is what we came up with:
Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation: Cured meats and a warning to never knock on his door again. And by the way, how did you find out his address? Should have gone to Leslie Knope’s house, because she has full-size candy bars with every Pawnee child’s name engraved in the chocolate.
Red Reddington, The Blacklist: An impossibly clever and annoying riddle of an answer to a mystery, which will be followed by a slamming door.
Fiona Goode, American Horror Story: Coven: Ash that she taps into your candy bag from her lit cigarette and maybe a sprinkle of cocaine. Now run before she throws you into the street with her mind!
Gob Bluth, Arrested Development: Forget-me-not pills. Maybe pass those off to a younger sibling.
Walter White, Breaking Bad: Blue rock candy that may or may not be actual meth. He’ll probably shout that he is the one who knocks before throwing a pizza at you. Keep the pizza.
Nick Miller, New Girl: He forgot it’s Halloween, so he gives you whatever is in his pockets: lint, a penny and a receipt from his last meal at a taco truck. He sends you off with a charming smile so you don’t even care about the garbage. Before you leave, Schmidt gives you homemade chocolate truffles with a sprinkle of Himalayan Pink Salt.
Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother: Wunderbars, Sweet Maries, Crunchies, Aero Bars and other Canadian candy. Barney will probably be at the door handing out condoms, winks and sexual puns about your costume. “Love the pointy princess hat. I have something else that’s pointy, if you know what I mean.” We do, Barney. We always do.
Joffrey Baratheon, Game of Thrones: He’ll hand over your father’s head on stake.
Olivia Pope, Scandal: Popcorn in all shapes and forms. Popcorn on a string, popcorn balls, popcorn covered popcorn, and the like. She’ll be friendly until her phone rings, and then she’ll sigh heavily with a distraught look on her face before telling you she must answer that call.
Dr. Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project: Old Halloween candy wrappers from last year. Why just the wrappers? When she found the leftover candy she promptly ate it all. Get over it.
Emily Thorne, Revenge: Mini red sharpies in case someone in your trick-or-treating group pisses you off and you need to take them out later. Now if only Emily could hand out her flawless fashion sense…
Happy Halloween, TV fans! Be safe out there. Follow @Infocelebrity on Twitter!
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